The next day...

The next few days were a blur. I needed sleep, so I reluctantly let the nurses take Alice to nursery. (Instant mommy guilt, it was not the last, but it was the first). I woke up at 7:00 the next morning and I wanted my baby. Unfortunately, I had an epidural and I was not allowed to go to the bathroom unassisted. So I waited, started sending out the text messages that she had arrived, and waited. Finally, the nurse arrived. Then Alice arrived. I was beyond excited to have her in my arms again. She was beautiful, and did not seem nearly as large. Tyler (who had gone home to let the dogs out) arrived, and I had the pleasure of placing our girl in his arms. I have to say that my largest regret of her birth was not making sure that he held our baby that night/morning. I am not sure how that happened. The nurses said that Alice had to stay skin to skin, and no one else could hold her, but they left the room. When they said she had to stay in my arms I had intended on handing her to her daddy as some point, but I guess I was too awe struck.  When I finally placed her in his arms, I had the pleasure of watching him melt. It was one of my proudest moments—to see my love holding our love.

I tried to get her to latch without a whole lot of success, and I started to panic. My body had rebelled against me this entire process, would breastfeeding be another dream that had to die? I was determined that this was going to work, so I started asking the random nurses that came in and out for help. I had a few strange looks, I knew they were thinking I was crazy. Alice and I both had to have our blood tested each hour, so I had plenty of advice. I called the lactation specialist, and she was, obviously, the most helpful. If you had told me that I (the girl who covered her body as much as possible during a 30 hour labor) would ask complete strangers to examine my baby’s latch, I would have told you that you were crazy. The lactation consultant was so encouraging, and simply, awesome. I imagine it was quite the sight: Me awkwardly holding a newborn, Tyler right there helping the baby stay latched, and the LC on the other side. Tyler was my biggest supporter those first few days of breastfeeding (but that might be a whole other blog). Finally, we got our girl latched and she really started to eat. Unfortunately, her time in the birth canal meant that the mucous was still a problem, so we kept using the bulb. At some point during our meeting with the LC, Cheryl (my friend and mother of the twins I babysat) stopped by to meet Alice and give us a gift. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see her. I was not letting that LC out of my room without a good latch! 

 That day we had our visitors, Brantley and Leigh Johnson. It was so special to have them come and hold our baby. They encouraged us throughout the entire pregnancy (in fact Leigh was one of the very first to know about our pregnancy), but before they supported us as parents supported us as spouses.  They were always supporters of our marriage. They taught us how a husband and wife should treat one another. They encouraged and counseled us during that first year of marriage when things were difficult, and they were the first ones to hold our little one. Brantley prayed over our child and our roles as parents, it was an incredible moment for Tyler and I. Our biological families were so far away, but they were contacting us throughout the entire process. (Tyler told me later, that he had received many phone calls and texts throughout the labor from our families wondering about our process). We finally announced her birth on facebook, and felt love from across the country.

The hospital and their staff really were wonderful, but I was ready to get OUT! So when Dr. Patterson said I could leave Sunday morning,, I was ready. (I had technically checked in on 9/27 and it was 9/30…time for me to go, but Alice didn’t check in until 9/29…so her pediatrician was not as sure). Nonetheless, we were discharged at 3:00 pm on Sunday, 9/29. I was beyond excited to get home and snuggle with my girl without nurses coming in to check blood/vitals. Coming home with our baby was amazing, I just stared at those chubby cheeks that were all mine to kiss.  

Tyler changing his first diaper...ever. 

A true Southern supper-Fried green tomatoes, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and sweet tea

We made it home in one piece! 

My thoughts on Alice's birth

It has been a few months now. I actually wrote her birth story shortly after her birth, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the story. I mean, at that point I felt like a failure. I had desired a natural birth, and it did not go to plan. Did I wimp out? Lots of women have used pitocin and had natural births, why couldn’t I? Why did my body hate me so much? I felt so cheated, I felt like I had cheated myself. And I felt like no one understood why I was so upset about the birth. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl after all. Now that time has healed some wounds, I have a new perspective on the birth of our little Alice.

My first step in healing was remembering the words of my wonderful doula: “It’s okay to mourn the birth experience you wanted to have.” She told me that what I desired mattered, and that it was okay to be sad that I did not have the birth I wanted to have. She didn’t shame me or try to make me feel guilty; she gave me permission to feel what I felt. So that is what I did, and am still doing. There are times I read a birth story and get jealous because she was able to have the natural birth she wanted or some cases she had a natural birth when she didn’t want one. There are times I feel proud that I didn’t give up or feel hopeful about the fact that someday (God willing) I’ll be able to try again.

Even though her birth was not what I planned, it was what I needed. Throughout the entire pregnancy I was planning, I was reading, I was making choices, but in the end it was beyond my control. There are situations that are beyond my control. Gestational diabetes (GD) was beyond my control. It is really as simple as that; I didn’t get to decide if I wanted GD. I prayed and prayed my body would go into labor on its own, that I wouldn’t need pitocin. But simple fact was that I did not go into labor on my own, and needed an epidural to rest. I cannot go back, but I can hug my wonderful baby girl.

So for the next time—I will remember that birth is a series of circumstances that lead to a baby. Because I was induced at night, I did not get to rest and I did not get to eat, which lead to me being exhausted. Those were the circumstances because I needed to be induced for medical reasons (GD). I know what I will have control over, my preparations and expectations. I will hire a doula. Every woman deserves a doula. Laura was beyond amazing. Hiring her was by far the best decision I made during my pregnancy.  She was comforting and gentle. She was the secure and calm presence that gave me strength and courage when I wanted to give up. I will trust my husband. Those are the two things I can do to ensure that no matter what the, for lack of a better word, method the baby enters the world I can be proud. 

So in total it was 30 hours from start to finish—there was intense pain, intense sadness, intense happiness, but overall intense love.

And she was soooooooooo worth it all:

Welcome to the World--Alice Mae Stubbs

Goodness I have a lot to say...but I'll start with the story of Alice Mae:

We had been taking things week by week and at 40 weeks we were now taking things day by day. Dr. Young was not optimistic that an induction would work, but we were really pushing the limits with gestational diabetes. That Thursday, September 27, we went to the non-stress test and doctor appointment unsure of what he would say. We both knew that we had run out of time. The 41 week deadline was approaching, and I was starting to get nervous. I did not want to be artificially induced, but I didn't want my baby to be in danger. When Dr. Young said we could try to induce on Thursday night (with the possibility of being sent home if it did not work) we both agreed that would be best.

So Thursday night, we picked up the bags, grabbed some Subway and headed to the hospital. (Little did I know that would be my last meal until Saturday morning at 4am). I told Tyler I was going to be super disappointed if we came home without a baby, but had no idea what was in store for me. We arrived, we checked in, I had to have an IV because my blood sugar was 110ish and I had to keep it under 100 throughout delivery. They gave me the first dose of cyotec (a drug I was scared of, but had researched and decided to trust my doctor), and we waited. About 11:00pm Tyler went home to get a good night rest and take care of the dogs. I tried to sleep, but with the nurses coming in every hour to check my blood it was difficult. I hated, and I mean HATED that bed. I could not be comfortable, after all the bed was meant to deliver babies not sleep.

At 1:30 I felt the gush I had been waiting for, my water broke. I couldn't believe it. My body had done something on its own. One way or another we were going to have a baby in 24 hours. Once I got all cleaned up, I tried to rest. At 3:00 am I could feel the contractions. They were coming once every 10 minutes or so, I was feeling super positive, but the nurses checked and there was no progress. As the contractions increased in intensity, I started to get scared. I do not think the pain was awful at that point, but I needed Tyler. So at 5:00 am I started calling. When he didn’t answer, I sent a text and called again. About 5:20 he answered and by six he was by my side. We started working together through the contractions.  From 6:00 until 8:00 Tyler and I worked together. I cannot describe how wonderful and caring he was during the entire labor. He was beyond anything I could imagine him to be. He rubbed my back, he held me close and most importantly he reminded me to breath through it by breathing into my ear. He and I were truly working together. When contractions were 3-5 minutes apart a I just knew that we were making progress. At 8:00 Dr. Young came in and was surprised my water broke. He said “Not to sound cruel, but I’m glad you are in pain!” Ha and I agreed. He checked and I was at 1cm. While that does not sound like a lot, to me it was a victory. Again Dr. Young gave us options 1) Keep taking Cyotec 2) Start Pitocin. I was starting to feel anxious again, so it was wonderful when our doula Laura walked through the door. She was an instantly calming presence. We talked and decided it would be best to just start pitocin. We all could feel the pressure of the 1:30 am deadline, and things were progressing slowly.

From 8:00 on I worked. I moved every half an hour. Laura read Bible verses, Tyler rubbed my back. And we watched as the nurses increased pitocin every hour by an increment of two. About 2:30 I started to feel like the pain was too intense. I was not getting any break, intense contractions every 3-5 minutes combined with no sleep and no food were starting to ware on me. I decided to be checked at 4:00. I was sure we had made progress. I was sure that I was working hard, and that the hard work would be rewarded with at least 4 cm. I didn’t want a miracle like 7, just 4 cm would have been enough to encourage me to keep moving forward. When they checked and I was at 1 cm, I broke. No progress. None at all. I was devastated. How could all the work lead to nothing? Luckily Tyler and Laura were there, and assured me that it was not for nothing. I will forever remember Laura’s sweet, soft voice saying “You can do this, you ARE doing this.” At that point I knew that I would not progress without rest. All my plans, all the preparations, were for nothing. I was going to get an epidural. I knew the risks, but I also knew I had to get this baby moving or I was going to end up with a C-section. I was exhausted. I was upset. I was emotionally drained. Around 6:00 the epidural was in place and I was resting. The epidural was not the pain I had expected, actually because I was still having contractions I barely noticed.

(These are things that Tyler told me...although I can't verify the accuracy--He might have been sharing these stories just to make me feel better about the epidural). Tyler said that he was talking to the nurses while he waited when I was getting the epidural, and he said our nurse told him that she was glad I was getting one because she had never seen contractions like mine. They were off the charts and coming every three minutes. She said all the nurses were watching my lines in awe that I didn't cave to the epidural sooner). When the anesthesiologist came out of my room Tyler asked how I did and apparently he told Tyler “When you’ve been through the type of pain she has been in today, you do not feel a little needle).

When I was sleeping Tyler went home to let the dogs out, and Laura and I chatted. I told her about my fears with the epidural. Would I be able to push the baby out? I could no longer change positions. I was stuck in that bed…that I hated. I told her I felt like a failure, but I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was checked again and I had gone from a 1cm to 5cm, but the movement wasn’t fast enough still, 1:30 was looming. About 9:oo the pitocin was as high as recommended by the FDA, and I was feeling the pain again. Unfortunately, the epidural wasn’t really working. I was able to relax through the pain, but I could still feel the contractions. We weren’t sure what to do, and started to emotionally prepare for a c-section. Laura helped us think of questions we needed to ask. I did not allow them to increase the pit because I did not want it to be an emergency c-section. Up until that point the baby was fine and we were not going to send that tiny body into danger. If 1:30 came we would calmly have a c-section. I was at peace. I rested some more and woke up feeling nausea. I started puking, but because it had been over 24 hours with no food there wasn’t a lot to puke. The nurse came in at 11:30 to check me again, and my baby was crowning! I was given oxygen because the baby’s heart rate was dropping because she was in the birth canal. I had accepted a c-section and now I was going to have a vaginal birth. I did not know what to feel and I had a break down. I told Laura I can’t push long, I’m too tired to push long. She said I could do it, and somewhere within me I found my second wind. (I even had the nerve to ask Tyler for a drink of his mt. dew. Haha) I was going to have my baby soon. At 12:00 Tyler said that he thought 9.29.12 seemed like a great day for a birthday, and the nurse had me start pushing. I pushed with her for 15 minutes. Once the bed was taken down, Dr. Patterson came in and we were back to work again. I pushed with her for 15 or so minutes. I felt like I was not making progress, so I looked her in the eyes and asked. She responded that “sometimes these things take time.” With that I thought, “No more time” I closed my eyes, waited a few seconds into the contraction and I pushed. When I opened my eyes she was being held up by the doctor who was waiting for Tyler to announce her sex. Tyler just stood there. He didn’t say a word. We were all thinking She is a Girl! But no one said it, we waited. And eventually the doctor saying “Dad?” snapped him out of it and he said “A Girl!”

They handed her to me, and I thought “She is huge!” Ha I imagine it was not the typical response. I just kept saying “I did it. We did it. We have a girl.” I kissed her head and tried to move her to see her face better. It was not long before the nurses stepped in and took her away to the corner. I was not initially nervous, but then I noticed she had not cried. Not one sound. I looked over at Tyler, I looked at Laura and asked if everything was ok. Laura said that she was sure it was fine. I told Tyler I thought she should be named Alice Mae, she was my Alice.  Tyler went over to her side, and I started talking loudly towards calling her name and telling her that I loved her. (In my delirious mind at least) she moved her head towards my bed to hear my voice. Eventually, the nurses called the pediatrician and I started to genuinely be concerned. They were pulling phlegm out of her mouth with the bulb. Finally, she cried. 

I had wanted to allow Alice to find “me” on her own, but she did not seem interested. So Laura helped us latch for the first time. Again, she did not really seem interested. Tyler and I just stared in awe. They measured and weighed our little girl, who was 8lbs 9oz and 20 inches, almost exactly the size I was when I was born. I was pretty proud that I had controlled my GD and my sweet girl was not affected. Around 3:00 I was beat, so I asked Tyler to call the nurses (she was required to go to the nursery for three hours). The nursery nurse came in to get Alice. The second her skin left my skin I started to black out. Tyler caught my head before it hit the pillow. After they checked my blood loss and pressure, the nurse decided I was just exhausted. Tyler packed the bags and I climbed over to the bed that would take me to my recovery room. I got to my room and sent out a few text messages to my brothers and sisters. I called my Mom and we chatted for a few minutes before I told her I needed sleep. And I slept.

Finally, she cries!

Our sweet girl before she was handed back to me

Tyler's first time holding our daughter

Me and Miss Alice Mae

5 days old