Parenting philosophy meet my new friend...Reality

I cannot believe I’m saying this…but if you had to label me as a parent..I would be considered “crunchy.” I guess I would be crunchy because we cloth diaper, babywear, exclusively breastfeed, attempt to recycle and reuse whenever possible. I did not set out to join this group of mommies, not that there is anything wrong with being a crunchy mommy, I just set out to do what was best and most natural for us. I cloth diaper because it saves us money and Alice’s bum seems to do better using cloth diapers and wipes. I wear her because I want her close and she seems happier in her carrier than the carseat. I breastfeed her because it is the most nutritious and cost-effective way to feed her. I haven’t started solids because she is not ready (I know…I know…I could keep trying and eventually get her to eat..but why? She has her entire life to eat solids). I wanted to be selective and knowledgeable about her shots because, well, she is a little bitty individual and the drugs are made to protect the masses.

All of these things are good, but I have had to face the reality that even if I want to be as true to myself and do what comes most natural to us—I might not be able too. For instance, I was planning on studying the vaccines and delaying the some of the shots when we went in for her 2 month check-up. Unfortunately, the reality was we had spent a week in the hospital and I was scared. I did not know what was next for my baby and I wanted her covered for as much as possible as quickly as possible if we were going to be in and out of doctors’ offices (where the sick babies go). 

Now that we are on antibiotics I am once again facing reality. Antibiotics have a tendency to give Alice a yeast infection which has to be treated with a cream, which you are not supposed to use on cloth diapers. Ugh. That same yeast infection appears in mouth in the form of thrush, which makes breastfeeding difficult. Alice hates to take the medicine—hates, hates, hates it. She oozes it out, she gags it out, she pukes it out, basically she will do anything/everything possible to get it out.  Because of this, I might have to try to give her some cereal with the medicine mixed in…which means she will not be exclusively breastfed for six months like I had hoped she would be.

In the end, she will be fine. If my ideas about parenting are not always compatible with our reality, it will be fine. After all, my goal is to do and be as natural as possible for the three of us. Sometimes what is natural for us changes from day to day. These antibiotics are now a part of our lives and we have to find a way to make it work for us.

Alice is thinking about this cloth diaper thing...how cute is that blue diaper?!

Who says that Alice won't put anything in her mouth but Mama?! I had to document her deciding to put her teether in her mouth because up to this point she was rejecting everything that wasn't Mom. 

Alice thinks that tummy time is a lot better when you get to stare at a pretty little girl in a mirror. 

Look at that talent!! 

Test Results--and Valentines Day Cutie!

Two weeks after we left the hospital, we found ourselves back in the building, but this time we were in the outpatient offices. Alice was getting a VCUG, or a test to make sure her urinary system was working properly. That morning was awful. I told my Dad that I wasn’t nervous about the results, but I was nervous about the test. For some reason I didn’t think anything would be wrong, but I wanted to do the test to make sure. I was more worried about putting Alice through the test. First, she couldn’t eat after 5 am. This girl eats all-the-time. I knew this would be hard on her. So I woke her up at 4:00 and 4:45 to eat before I cut her off for the morning. Poor baby was getting super irritable. We waited in three waiting rooms before we were in the testing room, where the sweet x-ray tech told me she had no idea why they said she couldn’t eat. I had been starving my baby…and I didn’t have to be?!  

They had to use a catheter to shot dye into her bladder to take x-rays.  The x-rays showed that she has bilateral kidney reflux, which means that each of her ureters allows urine to reflux back into her kidneys. This can, and does, cause damage to the kidney when a child has a UTI. So, in essence the UTI was a bigger deal than I realized. Too much damage, leads to failure. Obviously, we are not to that point. We discovered her reflux before there could be much, if any, damage.

So—this discovery meant we had to see a specialist. On her four month birthday (I told Tyler we are lucky she is too young to know that we suck and that this is an awful birthday celebration) we went to Memphis to Le Bonheur’s Children’s Hospital to meet with an Urologist. He was great. It was an answer to our prayers that we immediately trusted him with our sweet girl. He confirmed her diagnosis. She has a grade 1 reflux on the right and a low grade 5 on her left (The reflux is measured in grades from 1 being low and 5 being the highest). He explained that her ureters are not connected to the bladder in the correct position, which allows the urine to move back into the bladder. This probably happened in the womb in between 15-18 weeks.  There is a 35% chance that any other children Tyler and I have will also have kidney reflux.

The plan—We walked away with a plan. We are going to give her daily antibiotic to avoid UTIs. At a year we will re-do that awful test. There is a 50% chance that there will be improvement. If there is no improvement, there will likely never be improvement and she will need surgery. If there is improvement, then we have a choice to make…more antibiotics and retest when she is two or surgery. If it is not corrected itself by the time she is four, it will most likely not improve (but I am not holding a four year old down for that test!)  Her doctor said that he believes in allowing only one break through infection, and then it is surgery time. He said he has a 99% success rate, and that babies do extremely well with the surgery. It takes two hours and she would need to stay in the hospital for a few days.

Those are the technical answers. There are so many emotions floating around. I feel mad that she has to go through this. I feel blessed that she has no kidney damage and we know what to watch for infections. I feel hurt that my baby has an imperfection and that God is allowing us to go through this. I feel like I am not mature enough to make these choices. But overall, I just want to hold my precious girl close and keep all pain away from her and I know that I have to face the reality that I can’t. I was hoping to protect her from pain for a long time. I try to be attentive to her cries, she doesn’t cry it out. Mama is never far. Unfortunately, no matter how close I hold her--No matter how many times I comfort her during the night or hold her through her naps; I have to force that antibiotic, which she hates, down her throat. I have to take her to Memphis in September and put her through that test again. I have to decide if she needs surgery, which is more pain and confusion. Sigh.  For all my whining and complaining, I do trust God with my baby, and I continually remind myself that this is not something to worry about, just something to pray about.

Now that all that yucky stuff is out of the way—check out this cutie! Mommy took a bunch of photos, and these are some of the cutest!  

A Trip to the ER

As time moved forward we successfully survived the 3 week growth spurt. At some point we figured out how to get her to sleep in her cradle (swaddleme and sound machine) and the girl was suddenly sleeping through the night! Finally around week 5/6 I was starting to get the hang of being mom to the point I became a wife again. Haha Poor Tyler was doing the shopping, cleaning, cooking and working. But I was ready to jump back into life. I took Alice to the Le Leche Meeting, all by myself. And I was cooking, cleaning. We even went to get groceries. I decided it was time to visit friends in Starkville, so Alice and I made the longest trek we have made alone.

I knew that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. She was sleeping non-stop. She didn’t want to interact with the friends we were visiting, she wanted to cuddle on mommy and sleep. I kept waking her up for her feedings, and eventually I was mildly concerned. That night we woke her up to get her ready for bed and I felt her head. At first I thought it was warm because she had just been nursing, but then we took her temp. It was 102.7.  Tyler asked me if that was really bad, I said it wasn’t good, but I had to call my mom. 

After finding out that 102 was very bad for a newborn, I called the NurseLink, who sent us to the ER. We arrived at midnight, with a tired, hot newborn. I didn’t know what to think—I assumed we would get her weight for Tylenol then head home. So we waited…and waited…and waited in the ER. Poor Tyler was doing laps trying to keep Alice happy. Finally we went back to a room. At 3:00 we meet a doctor. Her fever was still high and she was dehydrated. They decided to run a ton of tests to determine the cause of the fever. It so hard watching them draw blood, take urine, do the RSV test. I was bawling watching my sweet girl cry in pain. Initially, everything was coming back negative, but her fever was present so we couldn’t go home.

I was in a daze by the time they took us to the pediatrics wing of the hospital. It seemed surreal. Then we had to watch them put in an IV. O goodness. That was awful. She screamed and pulled; My heart just broke. When we arrived at the room, I put her in the crib—Tyler and I were exhausted because we had not gotten to sleep at all. I assured him that we would probably get to leave in a few hours once they determine that there was nothing serious and she was hydrated. The pediatrician decided to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis because her tests appeared to be negative but she had a dangerously high fever for a 7 week old. I didn’t want to subject her to the test, and the doctor said he didn’t either but that her fever was too high to not check. They took her away to do the test—it was so hard to let her go with them. At that point the longest she had been out of my sight was when I registered to vote—and then she was with her Daddy. When she came back she was upset, so Tyler rocked her and I slept. At some point we switched. That night we asked the doctor when he thought we could leave, and he said her spinal tap was negative but we couldn’t leave until the cultures came back normal and she was without a fever. 

Tyler left to let the dogs out and I rocked Alice. She would not sleep in that crib. Every time I put her down she screamed, so I didn’t put her down. At 4:00am I gave up, I told the nurse that I was aware that we were not supposed to co-sleep in the room, but I needed sleep and it would be safer for Alice if we slept in the bed. The nurse gave me a look that said she understood, and said “I can’t tell you that you can, but I can go get you extra pillows.” Finally, we both were able to sleep.  The next day Tyler had to drive to Jackson (to be Biologist of the Day) it was the day before Thanksgiving so he couldn’t find a replacement. So I got the news that our daughter had a UTI. Well, in my mind that didn’t seem too serious, but she needed to have antibiotics through the IV for the day and we might be able to leave on Thanksgiving. I couldn’t believe that we had to stay another night. 

That night Tyler’s parents arrived. I felt bad that the first time they met their granddaughter she was all hooked up. I didn’t even try to put her down in the crib. I just laid down with her and we both were able to sleep (for the most part—its always tricky to sleep with nurses coming in and out). We were released around noon on Thanksgiving. When we carried her out of her room that was the first time I had stepped out of her room in three days. We went and got her antibiotics that were mixed to fight the specific type of bacteria in her body then enjoyed a relaxing wonderful Thanksgiving with Tyler’s Dad, Step-Mom, and JR. It was so fun to see them bond with our little girl. JR was so sweet with her! He held and rocked her. He gave her a bunny that was as big as she was so he said “Well if I had known she was so little I would have brought her a smaller one!” –We had an interesting conversation about nursing and childbirth. Ha—but that is whole other blog! They stayed through the weekend—it was so nice to have them close. It made me really wish we could move home. It was really hard to say good-bye. 

That First Week

I apologize for the day to day posts—but I have 4 months of memories to catch up on!

Once we got home, it set in that I was a mom. The first time I put her down her in her crib and she stayed asleep I felt like Mom of the year. I even called my Mom and let her know! Haha Alice slept well those first few days, we actually had to wake her up every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours during the night. She was born weighing 8 lbs 9 ozs, and when we left the hospital she weighed 8 lbs 4 ozs. Monday we had our well-baby check up because she was close to being jaundice. When we arrived at our appointment she was slightly jaundice and she weighed 7lbs 14ozs. I was starting to get nervous because we were nursing well, but I honestly had no idea what I was doing—so I, again, asked the LC to examine our latch and give us tips. To my surprise the LC said my milk had come in, which was encouraging.

The next morning I was changing Alice’s diaper when Tyler said “Tia we have an issue.” (We had planned to clean the house to prepare for my parents arrival early Wednesday.) I was giddy excited—My parents arrived early! It was such a great feeling to introduce my daughter to my parents. It was a great moment that I’ll never forget.

My parents spent the next week with us. It was wonderful. My mom helped us clean, do laundry, and even made laundry soap. My dad was busy around the house helping us out and taking pictures of the baby. My mom got up with Alice and I in the middle of the night; it was so nice to have someone to talk to those first few nights of nursing.

I had my first mommy break down on Tuesday. I could now tell that my milk was in, and I was in pain.  Alice seemed to be pulling away from me and wouldn’t nurse like she had been the previous day. We both were crying. I desperately wanted her to be happy and satisfied, and she was pushing me away. My  mom was with me, encouraging me to try different holds etc. She encouraged me to call for help, so I called Laura, Toni (our natural birth teacher) and the LC at the hospital! Finally, she said “The baby is not going to starve right this minute, so she encouraged me to shower while she changed Alice. I showered, calmed down, talked with Laura who said that the letdown was probably too strong so to express milk before offering.

The next day we went back to the hospital to check on the jaundice, and I beamed with pride when Alice did not have to be checked for jaundice. She was 8lbs 9ozs again! She was back to her birth weight in five days! The LC said she didn’t need to check my latch because obviously we were doing fine. Ah It felt good to know that after the issues with GD and the labor, we were finally doing something right.

At the end of the pregnancy I was reminded several times, by several people that baby blues were real. Of course I trusted them, but I had no idea that baby blues were so hard. I guess my few friends who had babies never really discussed it. When my parents were there it was easier to ignore. They kept me busy and content. But when they were about to leave I lost it. I remember crying in the shower (because you know..no one can hear anyone cry when they are in the shower…haha).I was in the mist of my boo-who crying—you know the ugly bawl--when I heard a soft knock at the door. It was my Dad, he asked through the door if I needed my Mom. It was so sweet that it made me cry more. When I got out I sat on the couch in between two of the best parents a girl could have, and bawled some more. I told them I didn’t know if I could do it without them. They said it was ok that I needed to cry and that I am her mommy and I’ll know what to do when they leave.

It was so hard to see them go. The next day Tyler went back to work, and I felt the baby blues hard. I just stared at Alice. Scared she would cry and I couldn’t soothe her. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to put her to sleep. Scared that I would fail at this whole “mom” thing. So I just sat on the couch, and held my baby. I put her down when I had to use the restroom and run to the kitchen to get sandwich, that was it. I held her all day long. And by the end of the second week, I knew I could do this mommy thing.