Then and Now

So many things to say—where do I even start? Do I try to catch up? Or do I just jump in with where we are now? Maybe a little of both!

Catching up: I spent the entire summer (May-July 15) in Iowa because of my brother’s wedding and my other brother’s graduation (Both events were AMAZING! I am beyond proud of both them!). A few days before I was planning on heading home, I ended up in the ER with a severe Gallbladder attack. I had been having these for months on months, but this one was too much for me to handle. Long story short—the gallbladder was taken out and Tyler came to get me around the middle of July. My sister Marydith stayed with us for a few weeks and helped us move from our glorious little palace with the bathroom door that wouldn’t shut to a new house in the country in between Tupelo and Starkville. We needed to move because I am now teaching full-time at Mississippi State, and I was not going to drive an hour every day.

Where we are now: Learning to adjust to our new life—I know it has been at least two, almost three months, but we are still working on it. I had never taught full-time, Alice had never been in daycare, Tyler had never had a wife that worked full-time (that sounds nuts, but it is true). Our house is a mess and most days we are just trying to make it the next day. Its ugly at time, but right now it is us. I know that this phase in our lives shall pass. We will adjust…eventually.

Because I can't post without a picture of this sweet cutie--

This was taken at the beginning of May

Taken a few weeks ago after her 1st birthday! (Sorry for the poor quality of the pictures--the cellphone pictures

A Girl and her Dog(s)

So, lots of people have asked, "How are the dogs adjusting?" Because our dogs were our first babies, I wasn't sure how they would respond. I knew to a certain extent that LeRoy would be calm and EmmyLou would be crazy, but I didn't know how they would welcome the newest member of our little "pack."

Meeting (and licking) Alice for the first time

Getting in trouble for licking the baby

Loving on Alice (btw Alice looks so tiny in these pictures!)

Sitting pretty next to her baby

The first few days we took it really slow. Actually we didn't have EmmyLou interact with Alice at all, and LeRoy was kept at a distance. Eventually we were able have Alice and EmmyLou co-exist in the same world. Mostly, LeRoy ignored Alice. He was visibly concerned when she was crying, especially if we were not quick to correct the issue. EmmyLou seemed to think that Alice belonged in the swing (especially if Tyler was holding Alice) and would pace back and forth as if she was reminding Tyler to put the baby in the swing.

After a few months, there was a shift in both the dogs. It was as if they realized she was here to stay, and they were feeling a little shoved to the side. They would both (LeRoy typically avoids this type of social interaction) would come lay next to me when I was nursing. They both acted like they were starving for attention jumping and barking when we would come into the house.

This is typically where LeRoy can be found. Darn dog destroyed our blinds--so I took photographic evidence to show Tyler the damage. I was not amused. 

EmmyLou trying to interact with Alice

LeRoy decided to cuddle while Alice was nursing...this arrangement did not last long. LeRoy moved back to his post at the window.   

Now that it has been 5 months, they both have calmed down. Generally a few times a day LeRoy will mosey  on over to her and if she reaches out to touch him he will allow it and lick her hand. He isn't very fond of her touching him, but doesn't seem to mind if she does grab him if he is the one who initiates the contact. You can tell that Alice loves these interactions. She knows where to "find" him--at the window (gotta watch for those pesky cats and squirrels) and will generally turn to that window whenever she is able. She giggles and smiles when he licks her hands; however, she doesn't seem to like him (or EmmyLou) licking her face (understandable, I don't like it when they do that to me either, so I try to make sure that they aren't able to do it). EmmyLou moves too fast for Alice to enjoy interaction with her, so mostly she tries to move her face fast enough to stop EmmyLou from licking her. EmmyLou loves Alice...a little too much and is not allowed out when Alice is on the floor, which makes logistics in the house hard.

Grabbing a handful of puppy hair

Hanging out during floor time

 I love this series of photos I took when I was trying to take pictures of Alice in her "Auntie Forever" top from Aunt Shelby--

LeRoy slowly works his way into the picture

Getting a little closer...

Licking her hand...

Checking out her feet....

Now he is headed towards the mouth...

I guess he just wanted to see what was going on in there...and she (this time) gladly opened up to let him see

LeRoy is very protective of Alice and there will be no "crying it out" in this house. The other night we had put Alice down and after an hour or so she started fussing. She wasn't awake, but just fussing. LeRoy did not like it and was not pleased with our reaction. When she started fussing he perked up and looked at us. When neither of us moved to go get her, he stared and eventually got up and went to the hallway and whined at us. She settled back down and fell back to sleep. Later she started fussing again, LeRoy decided to take matters into his own hands (or..I suppose paws)--we were not handling the situation to his standards--so he pushed his way into the bedroom. When the door opened she stopped crying and fell back to sleep. haha silly parents have no idea how to handle the baby crying...

This girl loves her puppy--and her puppy loves her! 

Teething...

You know you're the mommy to a cranky teething baby when you see her playing contentedly and think "Oh good. Hopefully I can do the dishes before she notices that I'm not in the room!"

sigh. I wish these teeth would break through! Maybe this is my punishment for lamenting the sweet gummy smile I'm going to miss when the teeth finally do come through...

Playing with her football from her Aunt Barb. The ISU football was picked out by cousins Justin and Ryan! It has been helpful recently because it distracts her long enough for us to change her diaper! haha

Chewing on Daddy's phone--good thing it is waterproof!

Laying in her crib, in her own room for the first time--she wasn't too sure about the situation. She hasn't actually slept in the crib yet....Mommy isn't too sure about that situation yet...lol

Mommy's happy girl. I love that sweet smile! 

DAH DAH!

So, for a while now my sweet girl has been “talking.” Haha Not too surprising considering her Dad can get a brick wall to engage in a conversation. She loves to babble and ooooohhhh. She has started to mimic us, and will happily reply what sounds like “hey” when we say it to her. Listening to her talk to herself has to be the sweetest sounds to wake up too. This happy little girl is so content to just have a conversation with herself, and it brings me so much joy to hear her happy noises.

Recently, she has started adding a “d” sound to those babbles. Naturally the sound that comes out of her mouth is “dah dah.” Ugh. I have to admit it makes me a little sad. Obviously, this is not her first word. She has absolutely no idea what she is saying, but it does sting a little when we finish a long nursing session and she starts babbling “dah dah dah.”

Tyler loves her new skill. He responds to her when she babbles and just eats up her “calling” for him. Unfortunately, his joy at hearing “dah dah” was dampened slightly this morning. At 5:30am she was babbling away, but was getting a little frustrated she was still in the pack n play, so she was getting louder and louder. It wasn’t long before I heard a forceful “DAH DAH DAH.” Haha Don’t worry, I didn’t hesitate. I nudged Tyler and let him know, “She is calling for you, Dad.”  Ahhhhh a little more sleep for me J

Parenting philosophy meet my new friend...Reality

I cannot believe I’m saying this…but if you had to label me as a parent..I would be considered “crunchy.” I guess I would be crunchy because we cloth diaper, babywear, exclusively breastfeed, attempt to recycle and reuse whenever possible. I did not set out to join this group of mommies, not that there is anything wrong with being a crunchy mommy, I just set out to do what was best and most natural for us. I cloth diaper because it saves us money and Alice’s bum seems to do better using cloth diapers and wipes. I wear her because I want her close and she seems happier in her carrier than the carseat. I breastfeed her because it is the most nutritious and cost-effective way to feed her. I haven’t started solids because she is not ready (I know…I know…I could keep trying and eventually get her to eat..but why? She has her entire life to eat solids). I wanted to be selective and knowledgeable about her shots because, well, she is a little bitty individual and the drugs are made to protect the masses.

All of these things are good, but I have had to face the reality that even if I want to be as true to myself and do what comes most natural to us—I might not be able too. For instance, I was planning on studying the vaccines and delaying the some of the shots when we went in for her 2 month check-up. Unfortunately, the reality was we had spent a week in the hospital and I was scared. I did not know what was next for my baby and I wanted her covered for as much as possible as quickly as possible if we were going to be in and out of doctors’ offices (where the sick babies go). 

Now that we are on antibiotics I am once again facing reality. Antibiotics have a tendency to give Alice a yeast infection which has to be treated with a cream, which you are not supposed to use on cloth diapers. Ugh. That same yeast infection appears in mouth in the form of thrush, which makes breastfeeding difficult. Alice hates to take the medicine—hates, hates, hates it. She oozes it out, she gags it out, she pukes it out, basically she will do anything/everything possible to get it out.  Because of this, I might have to try to give her some cereal with the medicine mixed in…which means she will not be exclusively breastfed for six months like I had hoped she would be.

In the end, she will be fine. If my ideas about parenting are not always compatible with our reality, it will be fine. After all, my goal is to do and be as natural as possible for the three of us. Sometimes what is natural for us changes from day to day. These antibiotics are now a part of our lives and we have to find a way to make it work for us.

Alice is thinking about this cloth diaper thing...how cute is that blue diaper?!

Who says that Alice won't put anything in her mouth but Mama?! I had to document her deciding to put her teether in her mouth because up to this point she was rejecting everything that wasn't Mom. 

Alice thinks that tummy time is a lot better when you get to stare at a pretty little girl in a mirror. 

Look at that talent!! 

Test Results--and Valentines Day Cutie!

Two weeks after we left the hospital, we found ourselves back in the building, but this time we were in the outpatient offices. Alice was getting a VCUG, or a test to make sure her urinary system was working properly. That morning was awful. I told my Dad that I wasn’t nervous about the results, but I was nervous about the test. For some reason I didn’t think anything would be wrong, but I wanted to do the test to make sure. I was more worried about putting Alice through the test. First, she couldn’t eat after 5 am. This girl eats all-the-time. I knew this would be hard on her. So I woke her up at 4:00 and 4:45 to eat before I cut her off for the morning. Poor baby was getting super irritable. We waited in three waiting rooms before we were in the testing room, where the sweet x-ray tech told me she had no idea why they said she couldn’t eat. I had been starving my baby…and I didn’t have to be?!  

They had to use a catheter to shot dye into her bladder to take x-rays.  The x-rays showed that she has bilateral kidney reflux, which means that each of her ureters allows urine to reflux back into her kidneys. This can, and does, cause damage to the kidney when a child has a UTI. So, in essence the UTI was a bigger deal than I realized. Too much damage, leads to failure. Obviously, we are not to that point. We discovered her reflux before there could be much, if any, damage.

So—this discovery meant we had to see a specialist. On her four month birthday (I told Tyler we are lucky she is too young to know that we suck and that this is an awful birthday celebration) we went to Memphis to Le Bonheur’s Children’s Hospital to meet with an Urologist. He was great. It was an answer to our prayers that we immediately trusted him with our sweet girl. He confirmed her diagnosis. She has a grade 1 reflux on the right and a low grade 5 on her left (The reflux is measured in grades from 1 being low and 5 being the highest). He explained that her ureters are not connected to the bladder in the correct position, which allows the urine to move back into the bladder. This probably happened in the womb in between 15-18 weeks.  There is a 35% chance that any other children Tyler and I have will also have kidney reflux.

The plan—We walked away with a plan. We are going to give her daily antibiotic to avoid UTIs. At a year we will re-do that awful test. There is a 50% chance that there will be improvement. If there is no improvement, there will likely never be improvement and she will need surgery. If there is improvement, then we have a choice to make…more antibiotics and retest when she is two or surgery. If it is not corrected itself by the time she is four, it will most likely not improve (but I am not holding a four year old down for that test!)  Her doctor said that he believes in allowing only one break through infection, and then it is surgery time. He said he has a 99% success rate, and that babies do extremely well with the surgery. It takes two hours and she would need to stay in the hospital for a few days.

Those are the technical answers. There are so many emotions floating around. I feel mad that she has to go through this. I feel blessed that she has no kidney damage and we know what to watch for infections. I feel hurt that my baby has an imperfection and that God is allowing us to go through this. I feel like I am not mature enough to make these choices. But overall, I just want to hold my precious girl close and keep all pain away from her and I know that I have to face the reality that I can’t. I was hoping to protect her from pain for a long time. I try to be attentive to her cries, she doesn’t cry it out. Mama is never far. Unfortunately, no matter how close I hold her--No matter how many times I comfort her during the night or hold her through her naps; I have to force that antibiotic, which she hates, down her throat. I have to take her to Memphis in September and put her through that test again. I have to decide if she needs surgery, which is more pain and confusion. Sigh.  For all my whining and complaining, I do trust God with my baby, and I continually remind myself that this is not something to worry about, just something to pray about.

Now that all that yucky stuff is out of the way—check out this cutie! Mommy took a bunch of photos, and these are some of the cutest!  

A Trip to the ER

As time moved forward we successfully survived the 3 week growth spurt. At some point we figured out how to get her to sleep in her cradle (swaddleme and sound machine) and the girl was suddenly sleeping through the night! Finally around week 5/6 I was starting to get the hang of being mom to the point I became a wife again. Haha Poor Tyler was doing the shopping, cleaning, cooking and working. But I was ready to jump back into life. I took Alice to the Le Leche Meeting, all by myself. And I was cooking, cleaning. We even went to get groceries. I decided it was time to visit friends in Starkville, so Alice and I made the longest trek we have made alone.

I knew that something wasn’t right, but I didn’t know what. She was sleeping non-stop. She didn’t want to interact with the friends we were visiting, she wanted to cuddle on mommy and sleep. I kept waking her up for her feedings, and eventually I was mildly concerned. That night we woke her up to get her ready for bed and I felt her head. At first I thought it was warm because she had just been nursing, but then we took her temp. It was 102.7.  Tyler asked me if that was really bad, I said it wasn’t good, but I had to call my mom. 

After finding out that 102 was very bad for a newborn, I called the NurseLink, who sent us to the ER. We arrived at midnight, with a tired, hot newborn. I didn’t know what to think—I assumed we would get her weight for Tylenol then head home. So we waited…and waited…and waited in the ER. Poor Tyler was doing laps trying to keep Alice happy. Finally we went back to a room. At 3:00 we meet a doctor. Her fever was still high and she was dehydrated. They decided to run a ton of tests to determine the cause of the fever. It so hard watching them draw blood, take urine, do the RSV test. I was bawling watching my sweet girl cry in pain. Initially, everything was coming back negative, but her fever was present so we couldn’t go home.

I was in a daze by the time they took us to the pediatrics wing of the hospital. It seemed surreal. Then we had to watch them put in an IV. O goodness. That was awful. She screamed and pulled; My heart just broke. When we arrived at the room, I put her in the crib—Tyler and I were exhausted because we had not gotten to sleep at all. I assured him that we would probably get to leave in a few hours once they determine that there was nothing serious and she was hydrated. The pediatrician decided to do a spinal tap to check for meningitis because her tests appeared to be negative but she had a dangerously high fever for a 7 week old. I didn’t want to subject her to the test, and the doctor said he didn’t either but that her fever was too high to not check. They took her away to do the test—it was so hard to let her go with them. At that point the longest she had been out of my sight was when I registered to vote—and then she was with her Daddy. When she came back she was upset, so Tyler rocked her and I slept. At some point we switched. That night we asked the doctor when he thought we could leave, and he said her spinal tap was negative but we couldn’t leave until the cultures came back normal and she was without a fever. 

Tyler left to let the dogs out and I rocked Alice. She would not sleep in that crib. Every time I put her down she screamed, so I didn’t put her down. At 4:00am I gave up, I told the nurse that I was aware that we were not supposed to co-sleep in the room, but I needed sleep and it would be safer for Alice if we slept in the bed. The nurse gave me a look that said she understood, and said “I can’t tell you that you can, but I can go get you extra pillows.” Finally, we both were able to sleep.  The next day Tyler had to drive to Jackson (to be Biologist of the Day) it was the day before Thanksgiving so he couldn’t find a replacement. So I got the news that our daughter had a UTI. Well, in my mind that didn’t seem too serious, but she needed to have antibiotics through the IV for the day and we might be able to leave on Thanksgiving. I couldn’t believe that we had to stay another night. 

That night Tyler’s parents arrived. I felt bad that the first time they met their granddaughter she was all hooked up. I didn’t even try to put her down in the crib. I just laid down with her and we both were able to sleep (for the most part—its always tricky to sleep with nurses coming in and out). We were released around noon on Thanksgiving. When we carried her out of her room that was the first time I had stepped out of her room in three days. We went and got her antibiotics that were mixed to fight the specific type of bacteria in her body then enjoyed a relaxing wonderful Thanksgiving with Tyler’s Dad, Step-Mom, and JR. It was so fun to see them bond with our little girl. JR was so sweet with her! He held and rocked her. He gave her a bunny that was as big as she was so he said “Well if I had known she was so little I would have brought her a smaller one!” –We had an interesting conversation about nursing and childbirth. Ha—but that is whole other blog! They stayed through the weekend—it was so nice to have them close. It made me really wish we could move home. It was really hard to say good-bye. 

That First Week

I apologize for the day to day posts—but I have 4 months of memories to catch up on!

Once we got home, it set in that I was a mom. The first time I put her down her in her crib and she stayed asleep I felt like Mom of the year. I even called my Mom and let her know! Haha Alice slept well those first few days, we actually had to wake her up every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours during the night. She was born weighing 8 lbs 9 ozs, and when we left the hospital she weighed 8 lbs 4 ozs. Monday we had our well-baby check up because she was close to being jaundice. When we arrived at our appointment she was slightly jaundice and she weighed 7lbs 14ozs. I was starting to get nervous because we were nursing well, but I honestly had no idea what I was doing—so I, again, asked the LC to examine our latch and give us tips. To my surprise the LC said my milk had come in, which was encouraging.

The next morning I was changing Alice’s diaper when Tyler said “Tia we have an issue.” (We had planned to clean the house to prepare for my parents arrival early Wednesday.) I was giddy excited—My parents arrived early! It was such a great feeling to introduce my daughter to my parents. It was a great moment that I’ll never forget.

My parents spent the next week with us. It was wonderful. My mom helped us clean, do laundry, and even made laundry soap. My dad was busy around the house helping us out and taking pictures of the baby. My mom got up with Alice and I in the middle of the night; it was so nice to have someone to talk to those first few nights of nursing.

I had my first mommy break down on Tuesday. I could now tell that my milk was in, and I was in pain.  Alice seemed to be pulling away from me and wouldn’t nurse like she had been the previous day. We both were crying. I desperately wanted her to be happy and satisfied, and she was pushing me away. My  mom was with me, encouraging me to try different holds etc. She encouraged me to call for help, so I called Laura, Toni (our natural birth teacher) and the LC at the hospital! Finally, she said “The baby is not going to starve right this minute, so she encouraged me to shower while she changed Alice. I showered, calmed down, talked with Laura who said that the letdown was probably too strong so to express milk before offering.

The next day we went back to the hospital to check on the jaundice, and I beamed with pride when Alice did not have to be checked for jaundice. She was 8lbs 9ozs again! She was back to her birth weight in five days! The LC said she didn’t need to check my latch because obviously we were doing fine. Ah It felt good to know that after the issues with GD and the labor, we were finally doing something right.

At the end of the pregnancy I was reminded several times, by several people that baby blues were real. Of course I trusted them, but I had no idea that baby blues were so hard. I guess my few friends who had babies never really discussed it. When my parents were there it was easier to ignore. They kept me busy and content. But when they were about to leave I lost it. I remember crying in the shower (because you know..no one can hear anyone cry when they are in the shower…haha).I was in the mist of my boo-who crying—you know the ugly bawl--when I heard a soft knock at the door. It was my Dad, he asked through the door if I needed my Mom. It was so sweet that it made me cry more. When I got out I sat on the couch in between two of the best parents a girl could have, and bawled some more. I told them I didn’t know if I could do it without them. They said it was ok that I needed to cry and that I am her mommy and I’ll know what to do when they leave.

It was so hard to see them go. The next day Tyler went back to work, and I felt the baby blues hard. I just stared at Alice. Scared she would cry and I couldn’t soothe her. Scared that I wouldn’t be able to put her to sleep. Scared that I would fail at this whole “mom” thing. So I just sat on the couch, and held my baby. I put her down when I had to use the restroom and run to the kitchen to get sandwich, that was it. I held her all day long. And by the end of the second week, I knew I could do this mommy thing. 

The next day...

The next few days were a blur. I needed sleep, so I reluctantly let the nurses take Alice to nursery. (Instant mommy guilt, it was not the last, but it was the first). I woke up at 7:00 the next morning and I wanted my baby. Unfortunately, I had an epidural and I was not allowed to go to the bathroom unassisted. So I waited, started sending out the text messages that she had arrived, and waited. Finally, the nurse arrived. Then Alice arrived. I was beyond excited to have her in my arms again. She was beautiful, and did not seem nearly as large. Tyler (who had gone home to let the dogs out) arrived, and I had the pleasure of placing our girl in his arms. I have to say that my largest regret of her birth was not making sure that he held our baby that night/morning. I am not sure how that happened. The nurses said that Alice had to stay skin to skin, and no one else could hold her, but they left the room. When they said she had to stay in my arms I had intended on handing her to her daddy as some point, but I guess I was too awe struck.  When I finally placed her in his arms, I had the pleasure of watching him melt. It was one of my proudest moments—to see my love holding our love.

I tried to get her to latch without a whole lot of success, and I started to panic. My body had rebelled against me this entire process, would breastfeeding be another dream that had to die? I was determined that this was going to work, so I started asking the random nurses that came in and out for help. I had a few strange looks, I knew they were thinking I was crazy. Alice and I both had to have our blood tested each hour, so I had plenty of advice. I called the lactation specialist, and she was, obviously, the most helpful. If you had told me that I (the girl who covered her body as much as possible during a 30 hour labor) would ask complete strangers to examine my baby’s latch, I would have told you that you were crazy. The lactation consultant was so encouraging, and simply, awesome. I imagine it was quite the sight: Me awkwardly holding a newborn, Tyler right there helping the baby stay latched, and the LC on the other side. Tyler was my biggest supporter those first few days of breastfeeding (but that might be a whole other blog). Finally, we got our girl latched and she really started to eat. Unfortunately, her time in the birth canal meant that the mucous was still a problem, so we kept using the bulb. At some point during our meeting with the LC, Cheryl (my friend and mother of the twins I babysat) stopped by to meet Alice and give us a gift. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see her. I was not letting that LC out of my room without a good latch! 

 That day we had our visitors, Brantley and Leigh Johnson. It was so special to have them come and hold our baby. They encouraged us throughout the entire pregnancy (in fact Leigh was one of the very first to know about our pregnancy), but before they supported us as parents supported us as spouses.  They were always supporters of our marriage. They taught us how a husband and wife should treat one another. They encouraged and counseled us during that first year of marriage when things were difficult, and they were the first ones to hold our little one. Brantley prayed over our child and our roles as parents, it was an incredible moment for Tyler and I. Our biological families were so far away, but they were contacting us throughout the entire process. (Tyler told me later, that he had received many phone calls and texts throughout the labor from our families wondering about our process). We finally announced her birth on facebook, and felt love from across the country.

The hospital and their staff really were wonderful, but I was ready to get OUT! So when Dr. Patterson said I could leave Sunday morning,, I was ready. (I had technically checked in on 9/27 and it was 9/30…time for me to go, but Alice didn’t check in until 9/29…so her pediatrician was not as sure). Nonetheless, we were discharged at 3:00 pm on Sunday, 9/29. I was beyond excited to get home and snuggle with my girl without nurses coming in to check blood/vitals. Coming home with our baby was amazing, I just stared at those chubby cheeks that were all mine to kiss.  

Tyler changing his first diaper...ever. 

A true Southern supper-Fried green tomatoes, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and sweet tea

We made it home in one piece! 

My thoughts on Alice's birth

It has been a few months now. I actually wrote her birth story shortly after her birth, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to share the story. I mean, at that point I felt like a failure. I had desired a natural birth, and it did not go to plan. Did I wimp out? Lots of women have used pitocin and had natural births, why couldn’t I? Why did my body hate me so much? I felt so cheated, I felt like I had cheated myself. And I felt like no one understood why I was so upset about the birth. I had a beautiful, healthy baby girl after all. Now that time has healed some wounds, I have a new perspective on the birth of our little Alice.

My first step in healing was remembering the words of my wonderful doula: “It’s okay to mourn the birth experience you wanted to have.” She told me that what I desired mattered, and that it was okay to be sad that I did not have the birth I wanted to have. She didn’t shame me or try to make me feel guilty; she gave me permission to feel what I felt. So that is what I did, and am still doing. There are times I read a birth story and get jealous because she was able to have the natural birth she wanted or some cases she had a natural birth when she didn’t want one. There are times I feel proud that I didn’t give up or feel hopeful about the fact that someday (God willing) I’ll be able to try again.

Even though her birth was not what I planned, it was what I needed. Throughout the entire pregnancy I was planning, I was reading, I was making choices, but in the end it was beyond my control. There are situations that are beyond my control. Gestational diabetes (GD) was beyond my control. It is really as simple as that; I didn’t get to decide if I wanted GD. I prayed and prayed my body would go into labor on its own, that I wouldn’t need pitocin. But simple fact was that I did not go into labor on my own, and needed an epidural to rest. I cannot go back, but I can hug my wonderful baby girl.

So for the next time—I will remember that birth is a series of circumstances that lead to a baby. Because I was induced at night, I did not get to rest and I did not get to eat, which lead to me being exhausted. Those were the circumstances because I needed to be induced for medical reasons (GD). I know what I will have control over, my preparations and expectations. I will hire a doula. Every woman deserves a doula. Laura was beyond amazing. Hiring her was by far the best decision I made during my pregnancy.  She was comforting and gentle. She was the secure and calm presence that gave me strength and courage when I wanted to give up. I will trust my husband. Those are the two things I can do to ensure that no matter what the, for lack of a better word, method the baby enters the world I can be proud. 

So in total it was 30 hours from start to finish—there was intense pain, intense sadness, intense happiness, but overall intense love.

And she was soooooooooo worth it all:

Welcome to the World--Alice Mae Stubbs

Goodness I have a lot to say...but I'll start with the story of Alice Mae:

We had been taking things week by week and at 40 weeks we were now taking things day by day. Dr. Young was not optimistic that an induction would work, but we were really pushing the limits with gestational diabetes. That Thursday, September 27, we went to the non-stress test and doctor appointment unsure of what he would say. We both knew that we had run out of time. The 41 week deadline was approaching, and I was starting to get nervous. I did not want to be artificially induced, but I didn't want my baby to be in danger. When Dr. Young said we could try to induce on Thursday night (with the possibility of being sent home if it did not work) we both agreed that would be best.

So Thursday night, we picked up the bags, grabbed some Subway and headed to the hospital. (Little did I know that would be my last meal until Saturday morning at 4am). I told Tyler I was going to be super disappointed if we came home without a baby, but had no idea what was in store for me. We arrived, we checked in, I had to have an IV because my blood sugar was 110ish and I had to keep it under 100 throughout delivery. They gave me the first dose of cyotec (a drug I was scared of, but had researched and decided to trust my doctor), and we waited. About 11:00pm Tyler went home to get a good night rest and take care of the dogs. I tried to sleep, but with the nurses coming in every hour to check my blood it was difficult. I hated, and I mean HATED that bed. I could not be comfortable, after all the bed was meant to deliver babies not sleep.

At 1:30 I felt the gush I had been waiting for, my water broke. I couldn't believe it. My body had done something on its own. One way or another we were going to have a baby in 24 hours. Once I got all cleaned up, I tried to rest. At 3:00 am I could feel the contractions. They were coming once every 10 minutes or so, I was feeling super positive, but the nurses checked and there was no progress. As the contractions increased in intensity, I started to get scared. I do not think the pain was awful at that point, but I needed Tyler. So at 5:00 am I started calling. When he didn’t answer, I sent a text and called again. About 5:20 he answered and by six he was by my side. We started working together through the contractions.  From 6:00 until 8:00 Tyler and I worked together. I cannot describe how wonderful and caring he was during the entire labor. He was beyond anything I could imagine him to be. He rubbed my back, he held me close and most importantly he reminded me to breath through it by breathing into my ear. He and I were truly working together. When contractions were 3-5 minutes apart a I just knew that we were making progress. At 8:00 Dr. Young came in and was surprised my water broke. He said “Not to sound cruel, but I’m glad you are in pain!” Ha and I agreed. He checked and I was at 1cm. While that does not sound like a lot, to me it was a victory. Again Dr. Young gave us options 1) Keep taking Cyotec 2) Start Pitocin. I was starting to feel anxious again, so it was wonderful when our doula Laura walked through the door. She was an instantly calming presence. We talked and decided it would be best to just start pitocin. We all could feel the pressure of the 1:30 am deadline, and things were progressing slowly.

From 8:00 on I worked. I moved every half an hour. Laura read Bible verses, Tyler rubbed my back. And we watched as the nurses increased pitocin every hour by an increment of two. About 2:30 I started to feel like the pain was too intense. I was not getting any break, intense contractions every 3-5 minutes combined with no sleep and no food were starting to ware on me. I decided to be checked at 4:00. I was sure we had made progress. I was sure that I was working hard, and that the hard work would be rewarded with at least 4 cm. I didn’t want a miracle like 7, just 4 cm would have been enough to encourage me to keep moving forward. When they checked and I was at 1 cm, I broke. No progress. None at all. I was devastated. How could all the work lead to nothing? Luckily Tyler and Laura were there, and assured me that it was not for nothing. I will forever remember Laura’s sweet, soft voice saying “You can do this, you ARE doing this.” At that point I knew that I would not progress without rest. All my plans, all the preparations, were for nothing. I was going to get an epidural. I knew the risks, but I also knew I had to get this baby moving or I was going to end up with a C-section. I was exhausted. I was upset. I was emotionally drained. Around 6:00 the epidural was in place and I was resting. The epidural was not the pain I had expected, actually because I was still having contractions I barely noticed.

(These are things that Tyler told me...although I can't verify the accuracy--He might have been sharing these stories just to make me feel better about the epidural). Tyler said that he was talking to the nurses while he waited when I was getting the epidural, and he said our nurse told him that she was glad I was getting one because she had never seen contractions like mine. They were off the charts and coming every three minutes. She said all the nurses were watching my lines in awe that I didn't cave to the epidural sooner). When the anesthesiologist came out of my room Tyler asked how I did and apparently he told Tyler “When you’ve been through the type of pain she has been in today, you do not feel a little needle).

When I was sleeping Tyler went home to let the dogs out, and Laura and I chatted. I told her about my fears with the epidural. Would I be able to push the baby out? I could no longer change positions. I was stuck in that bed…that I hated. I told her I felt like a failure, but I knew I couldn’t do it anymore. I was checked again and I had gone from a 1cm to 5cm, but the movement wasn’t fast enough still, 1:30 was looming. About 9:oo the pitocin was as high as recommended by the FDA, and I was feeling the pain again. Unfortunately, the epidural wasn’t really working. I was able to relax through the pain, but I could still feel the contractions. We weren’t sure what to do, and started to emotionally prepare for a c-section. Laura helped us think of questions we needed to ask. I did not allow them to increase the pit because I did not want it to be an emergency c-section. Up until that point the baby was fine and we were not going to send that tiny body into danger. If 1:30 came we would calmly have a c-section. I was at peace. I rested some more and woke up feeling nausea. I started puking, but because it had been over 24 hours with no food there wasn’t a lot to puke. The nurse came in at 11:30 to check me again, and my baby was crowning! I was given oxygen because the baby’s heart rate was dropping because she was in the birth canal. I had accepted a c-section and now I was going to have a vaginal birth. I did not know what to feel and I had a break down. I told Laura I can’t push long, I’m too tired to push long. She said I could do it, and somewhere within me I found my second wind. (I even had the nerve to ask Tyler for a drink of his mt. dew. Haha) I was going to have my baby soon. At 12:00 Tyler said that he thought 9.29.12 seemed like a great day for a birthday, and the nurse had me start pushing. I pushed with her for 15 minutes. Once the bed was taken down, Dr. Patterson came in and we were back to work again. I pushed with her for 15 or so minutes. I felt like I was not making progress, so I looked her in the eyes and asked. She responded that “sometimes these things take time.” With that I thought, “No more time” I closed my eyes, waited a few seconds into the contraction and I pushed. When I opened my eyes she was being held up by the doctor who was waiting for Tyler to announce her sex. Tyler just stood there. He didn’t say a word. We were all thinking She is a Girl! But no one said it, we waited. And eventually the doctor saying “Dad?” snapped him out of it and he said “A Girl!”

They handed her to me, and I thought “She is huge!” Ha I imagine it was not the typical response. I just kept saying “I did it. We did it. We have a girl.” I kissed her head and tried to move her to see her face better. It was not long before the nurses stepped in and took her away to the corner. I was not initially nervous, but then I noticed she had not cried. Not one sound. I looked over at Tyler, I looked at Laura and asked if everything was ok. Laura said that she was sure it was fine. I told Tyler I thought she should be named Alice Mae, she was my Alice.  Tyler went over to her side, and I started talking loudly towards calling her name and telling her that I loved her. (In my delirious mind at least) she moved her head towards my bed to hear my voice. Eventually, the nurses called the pediatrician and I started to genuinely be concerned. They were pulling phlegm out of her mouth with the bulb. Finally, she cried. 

I had wanted to allow Alice to find “me” on her own, but she did not seem interested. So Laura helped us latch for the first time. Again, she did not really seem interested. Tyler and I just stared in awe. They measured and weighed our little girl, who was 8lbs 9oz and 20 inches, almost exactly the size I was when I was born. I was pretty proud that I had controlled my GD and my sweet girl was not affected. Around 3:00 I was beat, so I asked Tyler to call the nurses (she was required to go to the nursery for three hours). The nursery nurse came in to get Alice. The second her skin left my skin I started to black out. Tyler caught my head before it hit the pillow. After they checked my blood loss and pressure, the nurse decided I was just exhausted. Tyler packed the bags and I climbed over to the bed that would take me to my recovery room. I got to my room and sent out a few text messages to my brothers and sisters. I called my Mom and we chatted for a few minutes before I told her I needed sleep. And I slept.

Finally, she cries!

Our sweet girl before she was handed back to me

Tyler's first time holding our daughter

Me and Miss Alice Mae

5 days old